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| Magpie Picture Prompt |
A tinge of yellow
rotating at high speed
shines brighter
to a full yellow circle
throu' the effect of
spinning blades
recalls resemblance
a bright ball of fire
spinning around
marking the Sun by
gravitational mass
Black holes ,do they
exist in the above both
between
the producer of wind
and
the generator of heat
without which my earth
challenges to exist ?
This is me :
To bring out the sparkling light of creativeness in you ,
you got to burn the oil of time and space - ©Umamaheswari Anandane
Redundant phrasing - Words, phrases, lines, stanzas, even, that are unnecessary according to me are :[ rotating ] at [high] [ speed], [The spinning] I repeated ,[by] gravitational [ mass] and between [the producer of wind] and [the generator of heat]
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Really excellent!
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the imagery of the bright ball of fire and the question about black holes.
Thank you for taking this one cosmic.
Very Interesting and unique take on the prompt..I loved it! :)
ReplyDeletenice...love the part toward the end..the question in the black holes...becuase this opens it up well beyond just the sun or a wind vain...
ReplyDeleteVery visual poem--I'm seeing a spinning pinwheel of hot metal between heaven and earth.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful images. I could visualize it as I read.
ReplyDeleteNot sure if my previous comment "took"--I love the images you create and was able to visualize them as I read.
ReplyDeleteMuch food for thought.
ReplyDelete— K
Kay, Alberta, Canada
An Unfittie's Guide to Adventurous Travel
I enjoyed the feel of macro and micro cosmic association in this piece. Beautiful write ~ Rose
ReplyDeletei would add a line before the black holes for sure just to add emphasis as that starts my fav part...the repeat of yellow loses me a bit and think you could come up with another synonym there that would enhance it...
ReplyDeleteBig topic here. Normally I would suggest focusing on something small, an object of interest perhaps, but I think you've managed to convey your thoughts well without doing that. As we're focusing this week on redundant words/phrasing I'm going to do a line by line just to demonstrate how paring a piece down to its essence can serve to strengthen it. I also think the piece would benefit from some punctuation to guide the reader. I've suggested a few alternatives as well to avoid cliche and also to give the piece a little more punch. I feel a well-placed stanza break would give the piece a little space to breathe too.
ReplyDeleteA tinge of yellow [,]
rotating at high speed[,]
shines brighter [burnishes]
to a full yellow circle [yellow twice, pretty close together - citrine perhaps - would give you a lovely alliteration with circle]
throu' [the effect
of] spinning blades[.] [cut]
recalls resemblance [;]
a bright ball of fire [a bright ball of fire is bordering on cliche, how about fiery orb]
spinning around[,]
marking the sun
by gravitational mass[.] [stanza break]
Black holes[:] do they
exist in the above[,] both [you've used exist again further down, I'd suggest changing one of them, this one probably as the verb works better in the last line but I'm not sure what to suggest as a replacement]
between [the placement of this word works well]
the producer of wind
and
the generator of heat[,]
without which my earth
challenges to exist? [challenges is an unusual verb to use here but I feel it works]
So it would look like this
A tinge of yellow ,
rotating at high speed,
burnishes
to a full citrine circle
throu' spinning blades.
Recalls resemblance;
a fiery orb
spinning around,
marking the sun
by gravitational mass.
Black holes: do they
exist in the above, both
between
the producer of wind
and
the generator of heat,
without which my earth
challenges to exist?
This is of course just my opnion, some thoughts to mull over.
Nice poem da...very thoughtful :)
ReplyDelete